Sunday, November 30, 2008

Can't Sleep

I feel like I've been electrically charged.

I knew she was tired. I could see that she was too tired to fight. Everytime I went to see her she was a little further away.

I feel some sort of weird mixture of sadness and relief.
I'm glad she doesn't have to be in pain.
But now...she's gone.

The last thing she said was that she loved me.

I only cry when I stand still.


My mother passed away tonight.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Granny Update

I wish I had good news. But I don't. Granny went to the rehabilitation center yesterday and today they had to send her back to the hospital because her blood pressure started dropping during dialysis. Tonight they moved her back to the ICU because her wound (from the open heart surgery) isn't healing and may have become infected and she's unresponsive.

It's so hard to see her like this. I know she's scared, but she always put on a brave face for me. I went to see her Sunday and we had a nice conversation, I updated her about things at home and told her how much I missed her. I asked her if she was ready to come home and she shook her head no. I feel like she's starting to give up.

It's so hard to focus on Thanksgiving. I feel like my mind is in a million different places.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Movie Night and Other Updates

We had a nice family movie night. We watched Kung Fu Panda, which was surprisingly good to me. We also watched Speed Racer, which was just ok. We made these cookies, which are easy and fun.

I had the house to myself for a few hours Saturday, 'Cole went bowling with her friends and all the other kids went to a birthday party. I tried to watch a movie, but just couldn't relax. I ended up vacuuming and dusting.

The kids are doing well, still adjusting to not having Granny around. The new babysitter is giving me a slight headache. Overall she's doing a great job, but we've had a few issues. (things getting broke, turning the thermostat down so we came home to a cold house)

Nothing major, just small annoyances.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is right around the corner. It seems like it was just summer a few weeks ago. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love cooking, so I get to do two of my favorite things... cook and entertain people.

It's going to be a little strange this year, I'm used to Granny being in the background watching me cook and offering advice.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


First off I wanted to thank everyone again for their thoughts and prayers. It's hard not to feel like I'm traveling this road alone. (I know I'm not...but still)

It's been a long week.

Granny is doing ok. But I can tell the difference. She cannot walk at all, probably from being bed-ridden for the past three weeks. It was decided that she'll go into a rehabilitation center for a while to regain her mobility.

She won't tell me how she feels about this, but she's telling everyone else that I "don't want her any more" and that I'm "sending her away".

And it's breaking my heart.

The only thing I want for her is for her to be happy and the only place she'll be happy at is at home, but I can't take care of her here. This house isn't made for wheelchairs and even if I put ramps in outside, we still have stairs inside. She'd need someone here twenty-four/seven.

When I went to see her on Thursday, I fed her dinner. Talk about a surreal feeling.

She kept picking up the utensils and looking at them like she had never seen them before. She couldn't recognize her refection in a mirror.

She's so confused about things.

And so am I.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


We went to visit Granny today and I was surprised when I saw her sitting up, relaxing. The doctor stopped all medications except for insulin and a mild painkiller. Boy, did that make a difference.

She still got out of breath easily, but she was able to hold a conversation. She had been sitting up in her chair before we got there.
It was wonderful !

It still looks like Granny has a long way to go. The doctor was talking about a month or two of rehabilitation therapy before she'll get to come home.

Thank you everyone who sent prayers and please keep them coming as we pray for Granny to get stronger so she can rejoin us at home.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Can You Imagine.....

Walking into a hospital room to find your mother strapped to a bed ??

When I woke up this morning I never, never, never dreamed I would encounter such a thing.

Two days ago my mother could at least form complete sentences.
Today she didn't know where she was.
Her entire vocabulary was reduced to about 10 words.
She kept trying to pull all the wires and IV's out of her.
She kept trying to pull her gown off.

Two days ago she was laughing and joking with me.
What the heck happened in TWO days ??

God, Give me strength.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Update on Granny

Well, Granny had her heart bypass surgery Monday. I wish I could say she's doing better.
I wish I believed it.

Tomorrow they're going to give her a pacemaker to help regulate the beating of her heart. Earlier today the two upper chambers of her heart stopped beating for a short period of time. The changed her medication and she looked pretty good this evening when I visited with her. She didn't eat much, just said she was tired and not hungry.

The house seems so quiet without her here.

I just don't want her to be in any pain.