Thursday, November 3, 2011

Maybe It's Me

Maybe I'm not doing this right. Maybe everything I thought about parenting is wrong,
Maybe I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

I'm starting to feel like I don't know what the heck I'm doing.
I wonder if it's because all these kids are now teenagers ? lol

After a HUGE blowup yesterday between 'Cole and the twins, I feel like my home is full of chaos.

Here's the problem(s)
'Cole thinks that the twins get away with too much. They don't respect her. She thinks I don't discipline them enough. When they do something she perceives as disrespect she's ready to bash their heads in. Literally.

The twins think that 'Cole is the "favorite" child and gets EVERYTHING she wants. They don't listen to her because...well they don't respect her.

Huge fight occurred yesterday while I was at the grocery store. Ended with the twins fleeing the house for their lives.
Safely plan has been in place since the last BIG blowup...about a year ago.

'Cole struggles to control her anger.  Once she gets to her breaking point you can't pull her back. It's best to give her a lot of space and let her cool down. When she's in that state of mind you can't reason with her or talk to her. All she sees is what she perceives as an attack on her person.

The twins on the other hand are mouthy 13 years olds. They really don't know when to quit. Really. They think they're pretty tough. They talk a lot of trash.

Unfortunately, 'Cole isn't amused at their bravado.

And to think this whole situation started over the chore list.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Family Life

Time marches on. This weekend we spent the morning picking apples and pumpkins at our favorite farm. Lynd's Fruit Farm.  The apples there are sooooo sweet. I can't wait to make something with them.  My mother used to make fried apple pies. That sounds so good right now.  I live for these family moments. They bring light into my life. I don't have many memories of my cousins growing up. I can't recall going on any family outings.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Today my two youngest daughters turn 13.
They are good girls (mostly) lol
They love roller skating, cheerleading, facebook and music.

The have wishes and hopes and dreams.
They are beautiful and kind.

They are emotional and silly.
They wear their hearts on their sleeves.
They make me happy when skies are gray.
Quick to anger, but even quicker to forgive.

They've been my daughters since they were 4 years old.
I can't believe how quickly time has flew by.

Happy Birthday.  I love you both.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Broken Hearts and Broken Windows

I tried.

Pickles had court on Wednesday. The first charge was for truancy (from last school year), the second charge was theft. He tried to shoplift over $300 worth of merchandise from Sears.

The judge was ready to put him in jail. I should have let him. Maybe that's what he needs to see. Maybe that'll be what it takes for him to understand.

He's been going to school. Trying to make an effort.

But I guess when he saw he wasn't going to jail, he lost his little goofy mind.

He had a ride to get back to school after court, so I let him go. He didn't go back to school. Didn't come home. He didn't go to school Thursday. Didn't come home Thursday.

Late Friday morning the school called and told me he arrived late.  I didn't pay too much attention to it. I was just glad he had dragged himself to school.

Friday afternoon 'Cole texted me and said someone had broken the window of her bedroom and taken some money out of her bank. When I got home I noticed some clothes on the basement stairs. Pickles shirt... the one he had wore to court. That's when I knew who had been in my house.
I checked all the other windows, made sure nothing else was stolen. Filed a police report. I asked 'Cole how much money she was missing. She said a dollar and some change.

He swears he didn't break the window. He even had his alibi ready. He was on another side of town with my friend's son all afternoon. He couldn't have done it.

 But I know the truth.

He didn't do this in the afternoon. He did this Friday morning. After everyone left for work and school. He took the money for bus fare so he could get to school. That's why he got to school late.

My good boy. The one I never imagined would be this way.
My heart doesn't even have time to mend itself, before he does something else. Something worse.

There are things in my head that I never imagined I think about one of my children.
A dislike that grows with every incident. A coldness that fills me when I look at him.
Now...I'm just tired.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Parenting Redux

Over this summer, I have learned alot about the type of parent I want to be. I see the mistakes I made with my son, and I have an almost profound understanding of what happened.

Lives have to have meaning. Definition.

I allowed him to meander through his life without purpose and now I see the error of that. His life was full of school stuff and home stuff. There was nothing else (well, except for vacations and outings and such) But there was nothing there to motivate him, feed his mind.
Now I'm dealing with the results of a starved mind. A mind that needed purpose.
I didn't know.

In learning this about him, I also learned it about myself.

When I became a parent I stopped doing the things I loved.. Drawing, painting, writing. My own mind became starved.
And I didn't even know.

He wants piano lessons. I will sign him up for piano lessons.

It's never to late to change. (hopefully)
I promise to do better.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

And So I Pray....

Why didn't anybody TELL me that being the parent of teenagers was going to be so hard. Why ? Why ? Why ?

I know Pickles could be much, much worse. I know that he is trying to figure out who he is and where he's going. I know all that stuff.

All I'm asking for is a little common sense.

And I still have to look forward to the twins becoming teenagers.
My head hurts just thinking about it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

In Other News

We need a new roof. Every time it storms the wind blows shingles off. I've got a few estimates and the insurance company agreed we needed a new roof... so they're paying for it.

Hopefully the work starts this week and it can stop raining in my house.

Our dog Java gave birth to 10 puppies. One died at birth. So for a while we had nine adorable balls of fluff running around. As soon as they were old enough I started giving away puppies. We only have one left, and he belongs to my sister and brother-in-law. He's a cutie pie, but I don't want anymore dogs.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Almost Summer

I never seem to have time to blog anymore , but this is probably the time I need it the most.
This school year is slowly coming to an end... and I will be the first one to admit I'm happy to see it go.
Pickles has school attendance issues almost this entire school year. Somewhere along the way he's decided that he knows EVERYTHING he needs to know and doesn't see the point in an education. He told me he "has bigger dreams than what a high school diploma can give him" and that he " isn't going to work a 9 to 5 job, because he's going to be famous."

Tomorrow we have to go to Truancy Court, where he'll have to explain why he doesn't seem to be able to make it to school.

I am physically and emotionally drained. I have done everything I could short of quiting my job and walking him to school everyday. He hates school. Period. Always has. Before he became my son (age 8- third grade) He had been in seven different schools. His early life was about survival...not education.
He's blamed everyone and everything for his school issues, but in reality it's all him. The school has offered tutoring, the teachers offer extra help, I've sat down and tried to help him. Family members have tried to help him. People I work with have tried to guide him. He just sees it all as absolutely pointless.

Part of it is his personality. He's so laid-back and easy going, he has no ambition. None. He doesn't want to do ANYTHING he has to work hard for. He's not a bad kid. He's not disrespectful, he doesn't mess with drugs or alcohol. he just wants to do what he wants to do. (Hang out with his friends, shoot hoops, play video games)

Lately it seems like all my time and energy is spent dealing with him. I feel sooo bad for my daughters, they probably feels like they doesn't have a parent. I'm thinking about sending him to summer camp, we ALL just need a break for his drama.

I know I said it once, but I'll say it again....I'm tired.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Happy 17th !!

Always so proud of this beautiful girl. I know she feels unappreciated. I know I need to do better. Lately, I've been so involved in drama with Pickles, I've forgotten how happy this kid makes me.
She turned 17 years old on April 16th. One of her gifts from me was a trip to the Jersey Shore. She invited her best friend along and they had tons of fun. Ocean City, Atlantic City and everywhere in between. She gathered giant seashells from a beach, they shopped for cool stuff on the boardwalk, they walked along the beach and danced in the water. (It was way too cold for swimming.)

I'm happy and sad at the same time to see her grow up.
I feel like my house is full of so much drama, that the good kids and the ones who are trying just get pushed aside.
It makes my heart hurt.

But this weekend was stress-free. We had fun. The other kids were at home with the babysitter.
I felt soooo carefree and relaxed. I miss feeling like that.

'Cole...I love you. I hope you know it.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

In Other News...

'Cole has been accepted into the Medical Assisting Program at the career center. Very hard program to get into, I'm very proud of her.

The twins are doing well in school. I'm exploring summer camp options for them. They absolutely need to stay busy during the summer.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Hear that sound ??

That's the sound of the "poo" hitting the fan.
I've been having a feeling something was going on at my house, while I'm at work. So Monday I pulled a "mom maneuver" I got dressed like I was going to work, left at my regular time, stayed gone for an hour and came back.
I leave at 6. Kids are supposed to be gone at 6:30.
As I approach my house, my dog meets me on the sidewalk.
I opened the front door (which was unlocked) and just stood there for a moment. I could hear water running in the bathroom upstairs.

Pickles heard the dog and peeked his head around the corner and saw me. His jaw HIT the floor.
I asked him what he was doing. he started stammering and stuttering about how he was waiting for his friend to bring him some jeans and how he really was going to school.
I told him I really wasn't in the mood for excuses and it would be best if he finished getting dressed and go on to school. He tossed on some shoes and basketball shorts and left.

After he left I went upstairs to change out of my uniform. I unlocked my bedroom door and lo and behold, the boy had jimmied the lock, and made himself at home on my computer (the only computer in the house that wasn't password protected). He had even been enjoying a bowl of cereal when I interrupted him.

Needless to say, he did not go to school. I think he hung out at the library all day. (or at someones house) I did not go look for him.
He sent me a facebook message around noon, talking about how he hated school, how I've been so good to him and that I wouldn't have to worry about him anymore.
We did find him later that day, playing basketball at the park. My brother-in-law went and talked to him and we all returned home.
I had a long talk with him. We're exploring school options for next school year.

This kid is tiring me out.

Monday, February 21, 2011


Friday I got a call from the high school. The bio-dad of Pickles was there trying to sign him out for the day. For once the school did exactly what it's supposed to do and did NOT release my son to this man.

Things would've been so different if he had contacted me first. If the kids were open to seeing him, I would have been more than happy to arrange a visit. It all reeks of sneakiness. He doesn't want to contact me because he sees me as the babysitter.

He has NO respect for their current lives. They've moved forward and he's stuck in the past. He hasn't seen them since the twins were 4 and Pickles was 8. That's a lifetime to a child.

I'm glad that the kids and I have always been able to have open, honest dialogue. They told me immediately when he first contacted them and everytime he's ever tried to contact them.

I mentioned the school incident Pickles, he had no idea. The office didn't tell him his dad was there.

Now I have some decisions to make.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Finding Value

The conversation on the way home from a Parent-Teacher Conference this morning.

Me: "People see something of value in you. Your teachers could have wrote you off. They could have said oh well, this kid doesn't want to learn. Heck with him. But instead they try to work with you, encourage you and support you. They see something of value in you."

Pickles: "How come all of you see it and I don't ?"

Me: " Perhaps you don't know what to look for."

He won't even give himself a chance. How do I teach him or help him to discover what he is capable of if he won't even give himself a chance ?
He loves being successful as long as he doesn't have to work at it.

I like him. He's a good kid. He's fun to talk to. He's calm, even-keeled, and loving. He's charming and charismatic. He CAN be successful. He could become anything he wants.

Why can't he see himself the way other people see him ?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Years Day 2011

lol.... I have soooo many posts in my head. Just no time to write.
Happy New Year !!!
This year we decided to try out a new family tradition. We took all the kids snow tubing at Mad River Mountain Ski Resort. They had entirely too much fun. lol

I took pics and watched. I was not trying to get injured in any way shape or form.