Drama

Friday I got a call from the high school. The bio-dad of Pickles was there trying to sign him out for the day. For once the school did exactly what it's supposed to do and did NOT release my son to this man.

Things would've been so different if he had contacted me first. If the kids were open to seeing him, I would have been more than happy to arrange a visit. It all reeks of sneakiness. He doesn't want to contact me because he sees me as the babysitter.

He has NO respect for their current lives. They've moved forward and he's stuck in the past. He hasn't seen them since the twins were 4 and Pickles was 8. That's a lifetime to a child.

I'm glad that the kids and I have always been able to have open, honest dialogue. They told me immediately when he first contacted them and everytime he's ever tried to contact them.

I mentioned the school incident Pickles, he had no idea. The office didn't tell him his dad was there.

Now I have some decisions to make.

I am soooo not the Babysitter

But apparently that's what the kids' bio father thinks I am.
He told Pickles he would have him "tattooed up" before the end of the year.
He also corrected what they call themselves, referring to them by their birth names.
Promised the girls every expensive electronic device under the sun.

My brain is tired. My heart is heavy.

When I Grow Up

It seems kinda funny for a 37 year old to wonder what she wants to do when she grows up, but I am wondering...

I always pictured myself travelling the world, kids in tow or sitting in a park, my entire family sketching in our sketch books. Pondering how the light reflects off the trees.

Instead I have a job I tolerate, a co-worker who makes me consider murder....daily. A life that is not as fulfilling as I'd like it to be. We've done so much this year and I feel pretty good about our adventures, but they've only left me wanting more. It's like a hunger I can't satisfy.... a thirst that can't be quenched.

If I could, I'd sell the house and spend a year travelling the world.

Maybe I'm feeling my mortality. Maybe it's because the kids are growing up. Whatever it is...I just don't feel settled anymore. My mind constantly says "let's go, let's go".

Maybe I just need a change of scenery. A new venue.
I have no idea what it is, but it feels almost primal. I feel like I should be anywhere, but where I am now.

Movie Night and Other Updates

We had a nice family movie night. We watched Kung Fu Panda, which was surprisingly good to me. We also watched Speed Racer, which was just ok. We made these cookies, which are easy and fun.

I had the house to myself for a few hours Saturday, 'Cole went bowling with her friends and all the other kids went to a birthday party. I tried to watch a movie, but just couldn't relax. I ended up vacuuming and dusting.

The kids are doing well, still adjusting to not having Granny around. The new babysitter is giving me a slight headache. Overall she's doing a great job, but we've had a few issues. (things getting broke, turning the thermostat down so we came home to a cold house)

Nothing major, just small annoyances.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is right around the corner. It seems like it was just summer a few weeks ago. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love cooking, so I get to do two of my favorite things... cook and entertain people.

It's going to be a little strange this year, I'm used to Granny being in the background watching me cook and offering advice.

Heartaches

First off I wanted to thank everyone again for their thoughts and prayers. It's hard not to feel like I'm traveling this road alone. (I know I'm not...but still)

It's been a long week.

Granny is doing ok. But I can tell the difference. She cannot walk at all, probably from being bed-ridden for the past three weeks. It was decided that she'll go into a rehabilitation center for a while to regain her mobility.

She won't tell me how she feels about this, but she's telling everyone else that I "don't want her any more" and that I'm "sending her away".

And it's breaking my heart.

The only thing I want for her is for her to be happy and the only place she'll be happy at is at home, but I can't take care of her here. This house isn't made for wheelchairs and even if I put ramps in outside, we still have stairs inside. She'd need someone here twenty-four/seven.

When I went to see her on Thursday, I fed her dinner. Talk about a surreal feeling.

She kept picking up the utensils and looking at them like she had never seen them before. She couldn't recognize her refection in a mirror.

She's so confused about things.

And so am I.

Visit from One of My First Foster Kids

This evening I got a surprise visit from my first foster daughter. She is now a lovely eighteen year old young lady.

I was so completely speechless as I looked at her. My mind drifted back to the first time I laid eyes on her. Seven years old, being moved from a foster home she had been in since birth. Her hair was matted in thick braids and she was so lost and forlorn looking. A tiny wisp of a child. She came with all her belongings, seven years of stuff tossed into two trash bags. Clothes that clearly were not hers and toys that looked like they were scavenged from a dumpster.

I took her shopping our first evening together. We went to Sears. I bought toys and clothes and shoes for her. On the bus ride back home she laid her head against my arm and sighed contently.

She was with me two and a half years. I gave her her first birthday party, her first pair of glasses, sat with her while she had minor surgery. I read to her, bought her her first bicycle. I loved her as if she were my own.
She brought me so much joy.

I looked at her today and it was hard to look at her.
It made my heart hurt.

Someone made a decision that caused her to have to leave my home, so she could be with a sibling.
It seems like it was so long ago and yet it feels like it happened yesterday.

I cannot change the past, but it's days like this that I wish I could.